Confused

I've been feeling sort of down lately. Since graduating, I feel like I've done a good amout and variety of things, but whenever I am inbetween activities or jobs I always fall into a solemn state of mind. I still don't know what it is that I want to do with my life (I know, I know... most people don't) and am having a hard time making decisions - it's been more difficult than usual, for those of you who know me. Should I stay at home and work full-time for a while? Should I leave it all behind and do something off the beaten track? I just feel confused. I feel happy when I have things to do and people to see, but sad when I end up staying at home for hours at a time doing nothing. The "real world" has been great so far, but not what I expected. I definitely thought that I would actually be using my major! I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I wish that someone would have warned me that life after college is hard!

Painting

My parents have always been understanding of my need to express myself - no matter how odd the outcome. One place that has always reflected my desire to be creative is my bedroom. My room has undergone a number or changes (micro-evolutions, if you will ). From blue sponge painted walls and a star speckled ceiling to the likes of Scooby Doo and The Powerpuff Girls watching me sleep, my room has been many different things and served as a mirror to my interests and personality at the time. Now that I'm 23 years old and officially a part of adulthood, I feel like my room should reflect my age. During my freshmen year of college I decided to paint my room six different colors -SIX! I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sure that I would have grown tired of it sooner had I been home more than I was at school, but for the most part my rainbow of a room didn't bother me... until this past summer. I was settling in to life at home and one day decided that I just couldn't take it any longer. All the different colors were making me crazy!

You know how people always say that the state of your bedroom reflects the state or your mind? I was frightened to know what I was thinking about when I decided upon all those colors! After much thought and Google image research, I decided to pick warms colors for my "new" room. In keeping with my somewhat wild sense of design, I decided to cut back from six colors to three - a deep red, a muted orange, and an off-white. I started painting towards the middle of the summer and am just finishing now! It's taken so long because I have been, well, sort of lazy... and working. Now that I am basking in the glow of unemployment/part-time work it seems like the perfect time to finish what I started. Here's to the ever-evolving room reflecting the ever-evolving mind!

Cornering Commitment

Questions about commitment have been taking up occupancy in my mind for a while now. I'm talking about commitment as a whole - the idea of giving oneself over to some one, some thing, some place, or some way of being.

I enjoy the occasional Starbucks chai latte, especially when I'm in good company. Over the past week or so, I had the privilege of visiting Starbucks with my parents and another time with friends. Why am I telling you all this? I felt it appropriate seeing as the "The Way I See It" quote on the back of my grande cup was the same both times. Oh, and it spoke on committment.

It went:
"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
-- Anne Morris

Miss Morris has a point. I have been so caught up in uncertainly lately relating to work and what it is exactly that I am doing with my life that I've missed out on the freedom that comes from picking one thing and committing to it. It might sound unlikely, but my recent trip to Disney World served as a reminder of the joy that can come out of commitment. The trip was just an idea until Lou and I committed to it and made it a reality. We had so much fun! Of course, Disney World isn't real life (unless you're Mickey Mouse), but the commitment that was made to the experience was real. This quote has helped me to realize that I don't need to know exactly what it is that I want to do for the rest of my life right now. Instead, I can reflect on the fact that freedom that comes with commitment. I hate being on the fence about things and will admit that I sometimes have a hard time making decisions. I can barely decide what I want for breakfast - and dinner? Forget it! But I am learning that committing to something doesn't mean that there are no other options. Without committing, how will I ever learn what I like or dislike? How would I have ever learned these things if it wasn't for committment? When I become discouraged about committment and feel as if I am riding the fence, it's encouraging to remember all of the committments (however big or small) I have chosen to make in the past. We all have committed to something, even if its been the choice not to commit to anything. But oh! The freedom that must come out of saying no to hesitation and yes to whatever it is that we commit ourselves to!

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." -Proverbs 16:3

Where Dreams Come True

I love spontaneity... especially when it involves Disney World. My friend Lou and I realized about a week ago that we both had a work-free week ahead of us. Lou's job had cut back his hours and my seasonal job was ending, so the week that followed seemed like an ideal time to do soemthing out of the ordinary. We tossed around the notion of driving up to Canada to see how the other side of North America lives, but opted for a warmer destination - Florida. We did some research and were able to find ways to do it "on the cheap". I've decided that I work well last-minute when I am excited about what I'm working on and that spontaneity is best when shared with someone.

Snow, Come Down!

"The weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful."

Our Christmas decorations have been put away and our tree has been taken away. Christmas is officially over, but winter has just begun. The removal of our Christmas tree marked the return of fireplace use. The weather is cold, cold, cold, but the fire really is delightful.

Wallet Hide & Seek

Today began with a missing wallet. I had set my alarm for 8:30am, hoping to turn over a new leaf of getting up before 10am. It turned out that an alarm wasn't necessary to wake me up, a missing wallet would do just as well. I awoke to sounds of rummaging from the other room and the proclamation, "I'm so flabbergasted! I can't find my wallet anywhere!" (Yes, the word flabbergasted actually was used). My dad had lost his wallet somewhere the night before.

A creature of useful habits, my dad usually makes it a point to either empty the content of his pockets on his dresser before going to sleep or leaving everything in the pants that he plans to wear the following day. Of course he would be shocked to find his dresser bare and his pockets empty upon waking up this morning. My first groggy thought was the same as his - someone had silently entered our house during the course of the night, made their way to my parent's bedroom, stolen my father's wallet, and left without taking anything else... perhaps it was an intricate plan to steal his identity! (Both my dad and I have very active imaginations).

My mom kept us grounded by saying that that was very unlikely and that the most logical solution was that he had left it at Starbucks -his last stop the night before. He left the house around 7:30am to inquire about his wallet at Starbucks only to return fifteen minutes later to tell us that Starbucks doesn't open their safe until 8:15am.

I decided to use the remaining thirty minutes to let my subconscious mind speak on the whereabouts of my father's wallet (meaning, I went back to sleep). I slept for about ten minutes before being awoken by a triumphant, "I found it!" My dad had found his wallet! It had been on the floor of his room under some clothes the entire time. We were all relieved and I decided to celebrate by falling peacefully back to sleep.

Dinner and Marley

Inspired by a link my cousin Jessica sent me to an article about an anonymous photographer who took a Polaroid a day from 1979 to 1997, I have decided to take a photo a day and post it here on Pass the Mustard Seed. Here's the first I call Marley. I went to Sarah's sister Elizabeth's apartment where we ate delicious Asian persuasion food, watched Clifford ("Don't reject me!"), and dressed up Elizabeth's roommate's dog, Marley. Typical rambunctiousness of a 23 year old? Maybe yes... maybe no. Either way, I had fun.

Debriefing the Party

Tonight I went to a party. I went to one last night too. Last night I had a lot of fun, tonight I was tired. Apples to Apples was played at both affairs. What differed between these two parties were 1.) The group of people I was with 2.) The type of cheese served (one had Colby, the other Cheddar) and 3.) My perspective on what was going on at the party. Maybe it was because I was tired and feeling more contemplative tonight than I did last night. Maybe I'm still tired from ringing in the New Year until 3AM. Maybe it was the tremendous amount of candy I ate at tonight that perked me up enough to put down "In a Coma" ironically in response to the adjective "Peaceful" during Apples to Apples, but then caused me to fall into a deep state of sugar coma myself (the irony continues). Whatever the cause, I was more aware of weight of the conversations that were going on tonight - the same conversations that I might have brushed off as fluff at another time.

I am always conscious of undertones of God in people's conversations. Since becoming a Christian I find that I pick up on them more just like someone might pick up on the number of yellow cars on the road after purchasing one themselves. Tonight I was especially aware of these undertones at the party as a result of my tired, sugar-comaed, contemplative state. One thing that someone said that especially got me thinking was said by one girl to another in response to the comment "You're all about Jesus though" (not much of an undertone... I know). This girl said it to the other girl jokingly, and the other girl replied with, "No, I'm really not all about Jesus". Anyway, I tell you all this because this girls comment raised a lot of questions in my mind.

First, it got me thinking about all of the times that I have said similar things - maybe not in so many words, but I have brushed off "religious conversations" because I don't want to come off as being well, religious. Then I started thinking about how many other Christians in the world must do the same thing and I began to wonder why. Then it started to hit me - I know what I believe and what I try to stand for - what Jesus stands for - but I deny it often. I don't want to come off as being too religious or committed to my faith, but why!? I have to ask myself who wouldn't want to stand for the things that Jesus stood for. Things like loving your neighbor and forgiving no matter what or feeding the hungry. In my train of thought questions and answers I could not understand why I had pretended not to care about the one thing that matters most to me in my life so many times before. Why I had said not in so many words, "No, I'm really not all about Jesus." There had to be a reason. I think I am starting to understand it.

It's not so much that I don't want to admit that I stand for all of the things that Jesus does, but rather that I don't want to stand for all of the things that people who say that they stand for all of the things Jesus does stand for (Did you follow that? I almost didn't...).

It's more that I don't want people to think that I agree with these ladies:
Or that I own this pin:

What I'm trying to say is that I'm really not all about what people have declared Jesus to be and I don't want people to think otherwise. The real trouble is that unfortunately more bad representations of Jesus get media attention than good. All of the "good stuff" that people are doing in the name of Christ can sometimes barely be heard over the noise of the "bad stuff". So what is the sure sign of a Christian?

The answer: LOVE.

"By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." -John 13:35

Tonight's party was fun. It challenged my Apples to Apples skills as well as my faith. It has become my personal challenge to love like Jesus loved and to live like Jesus lived so that in the future people will know Christians by their love rather than all of the noise that can get in the way.